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The Last of the Tests

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 03:06:00 +0000

On Monday I had an echo cardiogram of my heart. Basically, I got to see what my heart looks like while it's beating inside of me on a monitor next to the bed where I was laying. It was like an ultrasound, I'm told. I learned that my heart is much closer to the left side of my chest than I realized! For some reason, I always figured it was in the middle of my chest. Directly after the echo cardiogram, I was given a Holter heart monitor (see pictures below). I wore it for 24 hours, and the display counted down by minutes until the time when I could take it off. As I prepared my lunch that day, I snagged the cord on a drawer in the kitchen. A few minutes later I looked down and thought I'd broken the monitor because the display was blank. I rushed to the bathroom to check all the wires (there were five) and see if anything had come unplugged only to remember that my time was up at 11:51am, and the monitor had shut itself off. Whew! I also learned that white tabs that hook on heart monitors have extremely sticky adhesive (some of it is still stuck to me, and I have been scrubbing it faithfully) and hurt about ten times more than pulling off a band-aid when they are removed. Ouch! The hardest part was pushing the little yellow button on the monitor each time that I felt dizzy. The frequency of it made me feel helpless. On the positive side, I got my blood drawn Tuesday and consequently have now officially finished all medical tests that my primary doctor, neurologist, and cardiologist have ordered. Now I am moving on to follow-up doctor appointments! Yay!

Cardiologist Appointment

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 18:29:00 +0000

I met with the cardiologist today. Jen, my coworker and friend who has a nursing background, came with me. She helped me explain the particulars of what we learned below...

The cardiologist said I experience a common thing called vasovagal response. It can easily lead to fainting, and it is the most common cause of fainting. (The vagus nerve controls involuntary processes for all the organs in the chest and abdomen.) I do not need a pacemaker or medication. Many people live with this, and it is controlled best through behavioral responses, such as staying extremely hydrated, sitting down when I'm dizzy, and changing positions slowly (sitting to standing, laying to standing). The cardiologist said that stress, pain, nausea and vomiting, or "quick trips to urinate at night" can trigger a vasovagal response. He actually said that part in quotes, which made me laugh! We are looking into any metabolic cause for the fatigue I've felt the last two months as well.

Today I had an EKG in his office, which shows the electrical pattern of my heartbeats. He found nothing noteworthy. His main comment was that my pulse was low (46), which "sometimes happens with young men who exercise a lot." It didn't concern him much because I'm also young and healthy. He ordered an echo-cardiogram to verify that the structure of my heart is good and asked me to wear a Holter heart monitor for 24 hours to see what my heart rate looks like at various points during a regular day. He also ordered some blood work.

Of all the problems my doctors have searched for, this is one of the best possible outcomes. It seems easy to manage, and I understand what to do when I experience symptoms.

Find out more on the Mayo Clinic website: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vasovagal-syncope/DS00806

Upcoming dates of note:

April 22--EKG

April 26--echo cardiogram

April 26--wear a Holter monitor

April 30--follow up with neurologist

April 30--follow up with primary doctor

May 14---foll0w up with cardiologist

TILT Test

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 18:24:00 +0000

Dear friends and prayer warriors,

This morning was the TILT test. It was more exciting than the EEG. I passed out with both really low blood pressure and a really low heart rate at the same time. Despite the fact that half of the people that take the test pass out, I totally scared the doctors and nurses, especially since there was no warning that I was about to pass out. I myself was doing alright though, other than not being sure where I was when I first woke up... I thought I was in a scene in a movie or a medical TV show with people gathered all around me shouting, etc. It was nice to pass out and not feel the fear and panic I felt when I passed out several times the night I went to the ER. I was belted to a board during the test, so I was secure and there was no risk of falling, of hitting my nose. The people around me took really good care of me, were really compassionate.

As it turns out, my heart rate was in the 60's just before I passed out, and it suddenly dropped to zero. (That's why they were alarmed.) Usually people's heart rate drops gradually when they pass out during this test. My heart stopped for six seconds, but it also went back to beating normally on its own without assistance of any sort. There was talk of taking me to a hospital via EMT, more heart testing, pacemakers and such right after the frenzy of excitement, but it died down after the doctor administering the TILT test spoke with a cardiologist who deals specifically with arrhythmia (irregular heart beats) on the phone. This specialist didn't seem to worried, as he's seen hearts stop for 15 seconds before. I have an appointment with this specialist Thursday this week, which will likely lead to more tests of some sort and possibly medication. Apparently he's very hard to get in to see, so this appointment is a special blessing.

Thank you for your prayers during this time of uncertainty, tiredness, waiting... I have a follow-up appointment with the neurologist on April 30, but it seems unlikely that anything is wrong with my brain. Praise God for that! And that more answers are coming!

Love,

Joanne

Life Goes On

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 00:02:00 +0000

A typical NMSI Saturday has the guys playing basketball at the park while several moms and kids chat and play at the playground there, followed by a potluck style brunch at the Fosters' house just a block or two away. The Fosters just got back into town from support raising and classes at MTI (Missionary Training International) in preparation to move to Kenya, so there wasn't brunch this week, but the other activities have resumed. Matt loves playing basketball, but he wasn't able to come this week because he's been feeling sick---throwing up and such. Turns out he slept for 30 hours and is feeling a lot better now. He's going to the CLA, a Christian leadership conference, this week---leaving Sunday and returning on Thursday. Will you pray that this would be a time of rest and refreshment for him? Joe Belzer is his roommate there---can't think of a better person for the job. Matt says he's looking forward to swimming in the pool at the hotel, maybe getting a massage, sleeping through the night because he won't have to wake up to feed Caleb, and attending a session here and there since he already paid for them. He is the head of our HR division.

This morning, just shortly after I arrived at the park, the kids were shouting my name in greeting, calling me over to where they were and showing me all kinds of cool tricks they can do on the swings, the monkey bars, etc. After pushing Seth (5) for a few minutes on the swing "as high as it would go" he said, "Joanne, do you know that I want you to marry Daddy?" I didn't know what to say. He repeated himself, wanting a response. "No, I didn't know that until you told me," I replied. Looking around the park, I realized a lot of the women in his life right now were married. Danielle, one of Kylee's best friends, is married and has kids that Seth loves playing with. Joy, Matt's sister, is married and Seth loves playing with his cousin Joshua, too. Two of the other main players are his grandmas. They were the only other women around right then. "Well, I do. I want you to marry Daddy" Seth affirmed. "I love your Daddy and you guys a whole bunch" I told him, still not sure if that was the right thing to say but knowing that it's true. The conversation ended there, as play continued to incorporate restaurant themes, pirate ships, tag, climbing on anything that looked remotely like a tree, etc.

A little while later Sarai (2.5 years old) was playing baby with the Bodens' next door neighbor who had come to the park with them. "I want Mommy," she stated. "Your Mommy is dead" the other girl reminded her. Sarai paused for a second. "I want Daddy," she stated. "Daddy is at home because he doesn't feel good," I explained... I thought about a story someone else had relayed to me... A few days ago, perhaps for the first time since Kylee's death, Sarai spontaneously stated, "My mommy is dead" in the car on their way home. "I know," her cousin Joshua affirmed.

I am amazed at how matter of factly and openly kids talk about death, about pain. I love that they just say whatever they're thinking, sometimes trying it on for size, testing it out, saying it to see what kind of reaction they'll get, seeing if it's true or not. Reminding us both that it really happened, that Kylee is really gone, and that life goes on. Matt said that a lot of times kids do more of their grieving later, as they grow older. Another friend explained that grief is kind of like a book that kids open once in a while to flip through, close again, and take back out later to look through some more. That it's a gift God gives them to not be aware of the full weight of it all right now because it would be too much for them, that they realize different aspects of what Kylee's death means for their lives, for their futures a little at a time. Just more evidence that God is good and knows how much we can handle and how quickly.

Later that same day (today actually) Matt told me I could keep Kylee's bike, that it was her gift to me. If you recall, she'd lent it to me to train for the bike-a-thon earlier this year. I thought he'd probably say that, but it was still a big deal when it happened. The experiences of the day really hit home for me as I drove home shortly after that interaction with him (to go on a bike ride with my friend Angela, actually). Sometimes it's so obvious that Kylees gone and not going to come back, something that's totally on my radar in day to day life. Thinking about Matt and the kids and how they're doing, or about how Kylee would really "get" that a certain experience was a huge personal milestone of growth for me in a way that no one else on Earth really does/could/will. Other times her death just sneaks up on me, like it did at the park when Seth told me he wanted me to marry Matt. It really happened. She's really gone. No more hugs. No more conversations. No more tears together. No more mom for her kids. No more wife for Matt. Not hearing her laugh again... All five years old and under, in all likelihood, her children won't remember her despite the fact that she was an incredible mom and fully invested herself in their lives, pouring her heart into loving them. It's just weird to think about. And life goes on...

EEG Eve

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 01:11:00 +0000

I made up a holiday called EEG Eve last night and recruited a few friends to help me stay awake until 2am. Today I was scheduled for a sleep deprived EEG, so I couldn't sleep more than four hours in the 24 hours before the test and had to stay awake for the two hours before the test as well. I was thankful that they helped me stay awake (I yawned A LOT!) and also that they made an unfavorable experience into something enjoyable! I am constantly being amazed by how people here are willing to step up and love me in sacrificial ways when I tell them what I need, especially Ryan and Tim in recent weeks. Sleep is a precious thing to sacrifice for someone else's benefit! Tim drove me to the doctor one day last week when I was feeling really dizzy and Ryan got back up at 6am this morning to go on a walk with me so I wouldn't fall asleep between the time I needed to wake up and the time of my EEG (It's a lot harder to fall asleep when you're moving!). We have some quality, godly guys that work here, and it's refreshing to see men love others in selfless, sacrificial ways. That is not something I often expect of men or something that's common place in the world at large, which makes it even more beautiful, even more meaningful. It's neat how God communicates powerfully through them to teach me more about his character, about how he does not abandon us when we are in need, about how it's safe to submit to the care of others, about trust. Of course, they just say, "That's what friends are for." They're some quality people!

The EEG itself went well, didn't scare me like the MRI did. While I felt awful (dizzy) for the rest of the day after the MRI, I was just tired after the EEG. And I had some crazy hair (see picture!) afterwards from the gel they used. I've never had anyone draw on my head before (they did it to mark the location of where the sensors should go)! And they used some gel that was like a combination of clay and glue to connect the sensors and wires to my head. There was even a strobe light involved! And I dare you to try purposefully hyperventilating for three minutes, breathing really deeply and more quickly than normal. It's hard (and was part of the test)! Those were the highlights of the experience. Thanks for keeping up with my health adventures and praying for me. I appreciate you!!

I'm a little disapointed in the picture...it looked crazier in person :0)

Kristy's Wedding

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 00:21:00 +0000

Last week I did not have any doctor's appointments. That seems quite unique given the events of the last month. It was one of many blessings that week, as I finished pricing, purchasing, and preparing food for Kristy's wedding reception (she is one of my roommates). Some of the drinks had to be prepared beforehand; part of the punch required the use of a blender (can't tell you how much I've fallen in love with blenders lately! I LOVE making soups and smoothies in them!) and Abigail prepared the sweet tea beforehand because we have the supplies here, and she was a bridesmaid and would be busy the day of the wedding (she's a sweet tea expert as well as the one bridesmaid pictured below!).

As it turns out, seven houses on campus and two houses off campus were involved in the get-food-ready-for-Kristy's-wedding process, whether it be because they let me borrow their serving utensils, pitchers, punch bowls, and coolers, or because they let me store things in their refrigerators and freezers. In this way and many others, Kristy and Adam's wedding was an expression of community. So many came together to get so much done! On the day of the wedding, I wrote out instructions for what needed to happen in the kitchen during the hour before the reception started. I reminded me of how much I love curriculum mapping and lesson planning, figuring out how long things will take, what order to do them in, and how to explain them clearly. Ryan and several others stepped up to manage affairs there so that I could attend the wedding itself, which was a very small gathering, maybe 30 people on the beach at Sanibel, while the reception was more like 85. I was surprised and honored to be able to attend.

Though they have been dating for about two years, Kristy and Adam were engaged just a few months ago, shortly before leaving on a month-long project to Africa to plan for summer internships and encourage missionaries on the field there. Consequently, there was a lot to be done in the few weeks after they got back. Despite the recent deaths of two of our affiliates and several family members of affiliates here in the last few weeks, our community pulled together to make this a special day for the Griffiths. So many people helped in so many ways; it wasn't just happening in the kitchen with the food.

I love how God knew that this wedding would follow two funerals. I love how he brings great joy in the midst of great sorrow, how he knows exactly how much we can bear. How his timing is so perfect, how he has given us so many opportunities to rally together and love each other well over the last month and a half. We are a closer knit community because of it.

There were several personal milestones of freedom associated with Kristy's wedding and the shower and celebratory events preceding it. One was that I had a BLAST dancing at the reception! Absolutely LOVED it! I've never been one to favor dancing in public, often just barely swaying when people pull me out on the floor with them. I actually remember a friend's birthday party last summer during which I conceded to a little swaying and that was it. Afterwards I commented, "I think I'll really love dancing when I get a little free-er." I was right. I didn't think it would happen quite so soon. But this weekend I voluntarily entered the merriment on the dance floor and fully engaged and was alive and silly and joyful, and it was so freeing! And it wasn't just for one song, it was for the whole night! What a beautiful thing to feel that safe and comfortable around my friends here.

I can't help but think that this dancing experience would have made Kylee smile. She would have been so excited for me, known it was a really big deal for me. I love how she knew me so well... And she was a crazy, fun dancer. Oh how it would have been fun to dance with her that night! In a way, the dancing was evidence that God really is doing a major freeing work in me, that I'm not making it up, that it really will "stick," that I'll never be the same as I was before March 2010, and that will be a really, really good thing. I love how he reminds me of his faithfulness like that. He just keeps blessing me. The hard things of life just keep coming, but he just keeps blessing me. One day we won't be amazed that he's that good to us; we'll know it deep in the core of our souls----there will be no doubt, no unbelief. Just faith. Just wholeness. Kylee has that right now, and that's a beautiful thing!

My Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 12:55:00 +0000

Dear friends, thank you for the cards, e-mails, texts, phone calls, gifts, and flowers! I have a whole garden now, I think! The night before and morning of my birthday were rough. Everything in me wanted to run away. But the day started out with my Media co-workers cheerfully greeting me, "HAPPY Birthday!" as I entered the office, followed by a really big hug from Shane and reminder of truth that God does not abandon His people and will not prompt His people to abandon me. The love continued to flow as I sat by Jen S. at devos and was hugged and loved on well through the completion of the meeting/gathering. I needed to be held like that. So by 9:00 my birthday morning my heart had calmed down, and I thought, "If no one said anything else to me about my birthday and everything else today was just like any other ordinary day, I could already say that God loved me really well today, that I feel really special and cared for. I was not forgotten!" It reminded me of a quote from a book I started reading this week (People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck), "Healing is the result of love. It is a function of love. Wherever there is love there is healing." Thank you for being a part of my healing through the many ways you expressed your love for me in the last few days!

Following devos, Renee gave me a silly crown and earrings to wear on my special day. Then we took a bunch of pictures. The card she gave me read, "Hysteria--it's an acquired taste." Inside she wrote, "Joanne, I so love that you are hilarious! You bring such beautiful life to us!" What a fun gift! I love silly things, and I love taking silly pictures! I felt really known by her! The earrings were particularly funny because my hair covered them up, so it was like a secret gift...I was the only one that knew they were there!

I wore both the earrings and the crown when I took our latest shipment of missionary newsletters to the bulk mail that morning. I almost took them off, but then I thought, "Leaving them on will be so much more fun!" I got a few comments from postal workers...

This gift really made me feel special! Flowers from the outside world (i.e. not NMSI)! WOW! They are absolutely beautiful and from a dear friend from college. I don't think I've ever had flowers delivered to me like that! How fun! They're really bright and springy, too!!

More flowers! Not only are these my favorite kind of flower ever (Gerber daisies) and bright and springy, too...they had a cool, tall, square vase, fun spirally wood pieces coming up that were kind of bouncy and joyful....and they were delivered via secret plot! Another friend of mine from college (Beth Rozier/West) knows my co-worker Ryan and had him pick up flowers and cupcakes that she ordered for me and put them on my desk. How fun is that!?! So pre-meditated and so thoughtful! She tried to find places that were really close by our office, so that he didn't have to travel far, and the florist she chose is one of the tenants on the first floor of our office building who is regularly involved in NMSI life. How fun is that!?!

My roommates Kristy and Abigail and I had a tasty birthday dinner at Cracker Barrel. I love sides! I love small groups! And I love those girls! Kristy is getting married on April 10 and also has the same birthday as me (April 1)! We threw a joint party at our house after our Cracker Barrel meal---a game night with desserts. Shane made some of his incredible chocolate chip cookies in our kitchen as the party progressed, my Media friends delivered a special card they got 15 or 20 people in the office to sign, and a few friends from church stopped over, too. It was a joyful time! Perhaps one of the most profound times I've felt like this is home, as people lounged in the living room, played games in the dining room, chatted and munched on goodies in the kitchen. Though I've experienced that "home" feeling in one-on-one interactions with people or at the Bodens' house before, this was one of the first times I've had that "home" feeling in a larger group of NMSI people. It was really peaceful and right. The feeling of inclusion was strong. And physically symbolized through the card so many people had signed...

The card read, "Joanne, we just know you love corny jokes...but we also want you to know that we love you and are EAR for you! Happy birthday!" It had a picture of a corn husk on the front and totally made me smile! I do love laughing! And I love how deeply God has used people in this community to uphold me, love me, and encourage me during the last month. March has been HARD. But, just as the card said, I am learning more and more how EAR people are for me. That I am really, really loved. That I am safe. I am choosing trust more and more often. I am humbling myself and asking for help. I think that would really make Kylee smile.

Through her death, I have had several deep, deep experiences of community. Last Saturday Tim helped me change the flat tire on my bike. About a half hour after I asked for him to help me, I went back to his office and told him there would probably be tears involved: it is Kylee's bike. Early in January, when I was training for the bike-a-thon, she lent it to me. She wanted me to be able to use it because she was pregnant and "not going to be needing it right now." Also, the bike I had been using was a child's bike and had been falling apart in various ways, so she wanted me to have the best quality during my long training rides. Just before I got sick and went to the ER, I had gotten a flat tire. Consequently, I hadn't thought much about it lately or had a chance to change it yet. I knew the experience would be hard because Kylee's bike is a symbol of her selflessness in our friendship as well as her deep belief in me, that I can do so much more than I think I can. One of my journal entries over the last few weeks reads, "I want someone to be proud of me for all this trusting. And my cheerleader is gone. Will you bring me another one? Will you prepare me as others that I am close to leave? Will you show me how STRONG your love for me is?" Kylee had been encouraging me to do a triathlon since September or October, long before I ever realized that I had the endurance and discipline it takes to bike 50 miles or run 13, as I discovered in the spring. I think she believed in me more than anyone else in my life ever has. What a beautiful gift!

I did pretty good while Tim fixed the tire, but I lost it when I actually sat on the bike. I miss her a lot. Tears flowed. Then we went on a bike ride together. It was beautiful and sunny and freeing! I didn't want to be alone for this first ride and had asked him to come along. That would have made Kylee smile, too! I felt really taken care of that day. God continues to highlight different ways I can ask people to enter the grieving process with me, ways I can invite others to love me well, fighting isolation by being honest about my fear and pain and admitting that I am helpless, lonely, weak, that I need people, need love.

Joe and Jennie Belzer independently pointed me towards Hebrews 12, where it talks about how God shakes everything in our lives so that only what can not be shaken remains. The last month has been full of great shaking and major life events (ER visit, nasal surgery, major medical tests, Kylee and John dieing, Kristy getting married, my birthday, various roommates and guests moving in and out of our house). I literally felt the shaking during my MRI yesterday. My face was shaking. My heart was shaking. Afterwards my body looked still, but my insides were still swaying. In many ways, my insides are still swaying from the events of the past month. But He is strong, firm, and steadfast. As it says in Leviticus 26:13, " I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high." God continues to break down major strongholds in my life. And as hard as that process is, it is something worth celebrating. It makes me think of the birthday card my sister sent me that has a squid on the front and reads, "Throw your tentacles in the air! Wave 'em like you just don't care! Hope your birthday is one big party!" Such joy and peace and abundance is just around the corner. I can feel it coming, see it starting to show itself. Freedom is in the air... He is powerful, mighty, and in control!

And as for my birthday, I love how God just kept bringing more and more blessing throughout the day. Whenever I thought all the most profoundly touching things had already occurred and the rest of the day would be average, He was like, "Nope, they're still coming!" When we were cleaning up in the kitchen I was going to let something soak in the sink, so I turned the water on to fill up the dish and went to the other side of the kitchen to gather a few dishes. I looked back and exclaimed, "Look, my cup runneth over!" as the water spilled over the sides of the cup I had left in the sink! So true. As I lay in bed journaling that night, I couldn't stop thinking of ways that God blessed me that day. There were SO MANY. Thank you for being a part of the transforming work that God is doing in my life, for filling up my cup through your love and encouragement!! Just as the quote I mentioned at the beginning of this post says, your love is healing me. It is beautiful and humbling.

Health Appointments

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 18:12:00 +0000

Several of you have asked for a health update.

March 19-closed reduction nasal fracture surgery (Isn't that a fancy name?!?!)

March 26-ENT follow up. He determined surgery was successful, that I am healing well. I should not wear glasses or blow my nose for another week. I should avoid all sports/possible collisions/not let people touch my nose/try not to hold small children on my lap because they are unpredictable, and it's too risky to do so during the next six months (the time it will take the bones in my nose are fully heal). As you can imagine, that last part will be insanely hard for me.

March 29-Neurologist consultation. He determined that we should proceed with a variety of tests (EEG, MRI, TILT) because he is concerned about the number of times I blacked out (about 8) within a short time frame (2 or 3 hours). There was a bunch of calling back and forth between the neurologist and my primary about whether she ordered an EEG or just a preliminary consultation with the neurologist. We determined that she had only ordered a consultation and that the neurologist would decide whether further testing was necessary once he spoke with me. I took this to mean my situation "wasn't that bad" and that I might not need an EEG after all. I shed a few tears about the shift in perspective after my appointment because I thought I only had one more doctor appointment left, but, as a result of the testing the neurologist ordered, I have five more doctor appointments left. I am tired of feeling helpless, weak, and wounded. After some praying and crying, I felt a lot better though, and now I am ready to move forward in trust. God is good, and He continues to teach me about humility, to learn to ask for help, to admit fear and sin and unbelief more freely, to accept love more readily, to trust the He and others care for me. He has broken down so many strongholds in my life in the last month! It continues to amaze me whenever I think about it!

As far as testing goes, the neurologist and I are most curious about the results of the TILT test. They will strap me to a swivel board and position it at different angles while they monitor my heart rate and blood pressure to see if they can recreate a situation that will prompt me to black out, to see if they can determine what any of the precursors were to me blacking out/fainting. This may result in taking regular medication to keep my rates within a certain range.

Upcoming dates of note:

April 1-My birthday!

April 2-MRI

April 13-EEG/brain wave study

April ?-TILT test

April 30-Neurologist follow up

April 30-Primary care follow up

First Day Back at Work

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 17:53:00 +0000

Yesterday (March 25) was my first WHOLE DAY back at work since March 3, the night of my trip to the ER. I made it a WHOLE DAY yesterday! I have been waiting for this milestone to occur for so long! I really like my coworkers and am so thankful to be able to spend time with them, for laughter, and for renewed energy! I'm thankful for purpose in my day, the physical ability to start entering my normal routine again. It has been a very "un-normal" month!

Each week on Thursdays those of us who live on campus here at NMSI gather together for lunch (Campus Lunch/Community Lunch) to fellowship and discuss any upcoming activities, yard work that needs to get done, various issues that come up, etc. Yesterday was the first time I've been able to attend in weeks! Directly afterwards, as we were cleaning up and putting tables away, I found something very fun and silly on the counter in the kitchen. Members of our COAT training program assured me that they were not using these silly objects anymore and were happy to share them with me because they were extras. I wore mine for the rest of the day. It was SO FUN to see people's reactions when I walked around the office or they stopped by my desk to ask me a question. Ha! I love how God knows me so well, knows when I need something silly and lighthearted, a good reason to laugh. How He knows exactly what cracks me up! I hope you enjoy the pictures! (The sad face is because it is only sticky enough to last for one day!)

Thank you for your prayers for healing! I am excited to be able to post sometime in the future that I've gotten to go biking and/or running again. I so miss being outside in the sun and am working up to returning to these activities gradually. As far as grieving, I am still crying regularly, but the hardest part came to an end Saturday night/Sunday afternoon.

Boden Update: Thank You for Giving to the Lord

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 00:34:00 +0000

I got to spend the afternoon with the Bodens. I feel so at home there. They are my family. I got to give the kids a bath and help them get ready for bed. Watch them running and playing in the yard. See so much more life in Matt's face. As they read stories at bedtime, I watched Lydia give Matt a kiss, rub his face where she kissed him, and say, "I wish Mommy got to give you a rubbing kiss before she died. I'll give you one for her, and you can keep it and remember it forever." She proceeded to kiss him. What a beautiful heart... Will you pray for Seth's processing of his mama's death, that he'll feel free to vocalize his thoughts about her as freely...

Today Matt went to meet with Seth and Lydia's teacher. Tomorrow will be their first day back at school and possibly the day when Caleb comes home from the hospital. Your prayers are appreciated for these transitions. Additionally, most of the closer family members and friends from out of town either left today or will be leaving tomorrow. Just at Kylee's memorial service alone, $19,000 was collected for the family. Wow. You can contribute as well, so that medical expenses, funeral expenses, and new baby expenses are covered. And so Matt doesn't have to focus on raising support this year (a weekly task, something that's always "on the radar" for any missionary). Visit www.nmsi.org/donate and click on "Boden, Matt and Kylee." All gifts are tax deductible, and NMSI honors preference of gifts solicited and, in accordance with IRS regulations, retains discretion and control over their use.

The hardest part of the grieving is over, I think. For me it was roughest from Wednesday night to Saturday night. I got a good night's sleep that night, a good nap the next day, and then the peace that came from the closure and celebration at her memorial service. I still cry hard several times a day, but I am able to work some (almost up to half days at the office again!), focus on other things when I need to. I am amazed by how tired my body still is from recovering from the month's health-related adventures. Your prayers for physical healing are appreciated.

One of my crying times came at devos yesterday when we shared a few Kylee memories. Rabecca played a song for us by Ray Boltz, and I started crying a lot because the words rang so true: “Thank you for giving to the Lord/I am a life that was changed/Thank you for giving to the Lord/I am so glad you gave.” I am a life that was changed by her life. I loved her deeply and she impacted me deeply. I could say that about many of you who are reading this as well. How beautiful that God allows us to reflect parts of Himself to each other...

Along the same lines, the back side of the program from The Celebration of Kylee's life has a picture of baby Caleb above which was written, "Even in her death, she brought life." What an incredible picture of the gospel Caleb will grow up having...someone really gave her life so that he could live! Wow.

When I saw Keri, Kylee's sister, the day after Kylee died all I could do was give her a big hug and say, "Kylee loved you SO MUCH!" (I have only met her briefly one other time, but some how this seemed appropriate.) Keri teared up and responded, "I wish I had died instead of her." The moment passed as I thought, "If Kylee had a choice between her or Keri dying, she totally would have picked herself. And Jesus has already picked himself to die in Keri's place. I so want her to believe the truth of that." Will you continue to pray for her salvation? This is a defining time for her... she is still so lost...

If Kylee had to define the message of her life, I think it would have gone a lot like the transcription that she wrote on a sketch of a baby resting in the Father's hands that she gave Erin last May: "Papa, hold us close. We are orphans, abandoned by our parents. We are helpless, naked, and alone. We are held together by your hand of GRACE." She wasn't afraid to identify the sadness in the world and wept regularly over sin and that things in this world aren't as He intended for them to be. She freely admitted her sinfulness, but didn't get stuck in despair over it. Instead she stood in awe of God's love and acceptance of her.

It reminds me of a time when Kylee was disciplining Lydia (5 now, perhaps 4 then?). Lydia told Kylee in a sincere and sorrowful tone, "Mommy, I'm trying so hard to be good, but sometimes I just can't do it. I keep doing bad things." Tearing up, Kylee held her close, cried with her, and said, "I know it's hard, Lydia. I can't do it either." So often we deny that we are in need, that we are helpless, fallen, stuck, powerless to become the people we want to be, the people God has created us to be... AND that's the end of the story. As was true about pretty much any conversation with Kylee, the end is that there is hope because of Jesus. We are in need, and He sustains us because He is good, merciful… As Tim Keller writes in The Prodigal God, "The prerequisite for receiving the grace of God is to know you need it." How beautiful that God loves us enough to show us over and over how much we fall short, how much we need Him. So He can reveal His grace all the more clearly. How beautiful that we were lucky enough to know an incredible woman who reminded us of this truth regularly.

"Thank you for giving to the Lord./I am a life that was changed./Thank you for giving to the Lord./I'm so glad you gave."

Celebration of Life

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 01:21:00 +0000

It rained and rained right before the funeral today. I think God was crying...

The auditorium, which holds 1,200 people, was quite full (maybe 900 people?). Another 400 joined via streaming online. The word on the street is that there is a celebration of Kylee page on facebook that has 1,200 friends just since her death on Wednesday. I am humbled by the impact God can have through one life.

Just before the service began, Renee came up behind me and hugged me. Tears streamed down my face as I sat in the pew. Already. It hadn't even started yet and I was crying... Rabecca put her arm around me as the ceremony started. (And held me when I wept after it was over.) I am thankful for so many who love and support me here.

I spent the last night with the Bryants, the college/young adult ministers at my church. I called them to ask them to pray for me because I have been having a really hard time sleeping (I keep crying and thinking of more memories of Kylee.) and wanted to ask them to pray for me before I went to bed. I also have not been to church since the end of Feburary since I've been sick for most of March and hoped Angie could keep an eye out for me on Sunday, that she'd purposefully hug me or love on me the following day. The Bryants ended up inviting me over to spend the night in their guest bedroom. They listened to stories of Kylee, held me while I wept, stroked my hair and prayed for me until my heart, mind, and body relaxed. Peace is a beautiful gift to give someone. The next day they drove me to church, and Angie held me and prayed for me again when I started weeping after Sunday School. A friend had touched my back on the way out of the room and said, "I'm sorry it's hard." And I had just lost it. I was exhausted, but decided to stay for just the worship part of the service. It was intense and real and deep. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, your perfect love is casting out fear..." I lost it again. "Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm, oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me." Angie drove me home, and got me some lunch on the way back. Food is also a beautiful thing to give sad friends. That's just a few examples of so many ways that the Body is coming together and reaching out here...

But back to the funeral, or The Celebration of Kylee's Life. It really was a celebration. If she'd been able to plan it, she'd have had us dance tonight. One of the speakers mentioned this, though didn't quite dare to implement it. Kylee was such a goofy, fun, uninhibited dancer! I have thought of her dancing often over the last few days as an expression of her life and vitality. The night felt full, complete, peaceful as we fellowshiped and remembered her.

Shane was deeply touched as he expressed the honor it was to be her brother. Songs, slide shows, and other testimonies followed. A blog post that Kylee wrote about her longing for heaven showed how clearly she understood that our stay here is temporary, that our true Home is with God. Weeks earlier women in her small group had expressed fear of dying and who would take care of their children if they did. Kylee reassured them that they did not need to fear, telling them that her children were God's first before they were her's, and that if she died, she knew He would take care of them. Wow.

At one point, we were asked to raise our hands if we counted Kylee as one of our top ten friends in the world. As I raised my hand, I looked around at how a good third of the people in the front sections of the sanctuary had extended theirs as well. Wow. That's the kind of person that she was... she made everyone feel like they were her best friend, like they were extremely valuable, always worth spending time with. At least two people acknowledged that they did not get to spend as much time with Kylee as I had and that they wanted me to continue her legacy by teaching them the things she had taught me... Wow.

As part of the service, we were given papers to fill out about the first things we think of when we think of Kylee, specific memories of her, things she taught us... I loved that part. It is so easy to write about her. The stories flowed quickly from my pen. Later I hugged Matt, showed him my new nose (It's healing nicely.), and told him that whenever I'm scared or tempted to believe people don't love me, etc. I think of what she would say to me, that choosing to believe Truth and trust is the legacy that she's left for me. He said that was true of many who attended tonight. And that when he has three months of free time he looks forward to reading all the papers people filled out! He was touched so many people attended. Proud so many were involved online, through facebook. His first words to me during that hug were, "She was a beautiful woman. Beautiful in every way." That seems like a fitting way to end this post.

Pictures of the Bodens

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 21:29:00 +0000

I wanted to show you a few pictures of the Boden family. Above Lydia, Seth, and Sarai giggle for the camera one night while I was babysitting. You may remember this picture from my last newsletter.

Below Seth and Lydia are designing some Christmas cards at a Parents' Night Out the Media Division held this November. I sent out thank you notes just after Christmas that I wrote on cards that they designed. If you are a monthly supporter of mine, you have had a piece of their artwork in your home!!! Seth drew a Christmas tree and Lydia drew Jesus in the manger.

Here is a picture of the whole Boden family. What a blessing that a photographer friend of theirs got several high quality photos of them all together so recently! There are so many details, down to such small things that God has had planned and provided for! Sadly, I've looked through my files and I don't have a picture of me and Kylee. However, here is a picture of Kylee, her mom Linda, and Helen (her sister-in-law) at the bridal shower we threw for Helen at Kylee's home---Summer 2009. Linda has been divorced for years. Recently, in the last few months, she began dating Ed, a man that Kylee attests "is perfect for you, Mom!" Just a week or two before Kylee died, Linda and Ed engaged. What a beautiful moment that Kylee got to be a part of! She was SO EXCITED for her mom! Another major evidence of God's forethought and provision. His hand is all over the timing of her death. It is so evident how he hand picked the last interaction that each of us had with her according to what we most needed, what would inspire us most, what would reflect our relationship and her heart the most, help us grieve the most... Wow.

I was so blessed to meet weekly with Kylee for mentoring from January 2009 - May 2009. (She transitioned out of her part time counseling role that summer.) Do you realize how impactful that time was? How much she taught me? How deep the tears of sadness and celebration of victories we had together were? You are the reason for that. You are the reason that I got to move back to Florida by January 2009, drastically earlier than many of my fellow COAT program participants. The next members of my COAT class finishd fundraising and moved down in April, then May, and some are still support raising. Your eagerness to support my ministry and faithfulness in financially contributing made it possible for me to spend more time with this dear friend. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Surgery Update

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 23:03:00 +0000

So I haven't really slept since I got home from the hospital (nasal fracture surgery) this afternoon, but I got to do some super deep just me and God crying about Kylee and ways that God is profoundly revealing His love for me and the intimacy and detail with which He loves each of us, which was something I really needed. I have cried hard and so many times with others just holding me... But this was even more profound, one of those things that isn't possible human-to-human. I needed that alone time so much... It is amazing how God provides... Both forms of grief have blessed me deeply. It is real and raw and freeing...

I actually started crying a lot at the hospital, too, once they started giving me pre-op meds/I was laying still for a while. I feel like I've been going, going, going as I text and call various people back, update the blog, cry with people. So many memories of her flood my mind. Though they bring much appreciation and joy concerning her life, it is draining, too. I recognized having the surgery today was a gift, to have time to be away from it all for a while... to go into a deep sleep. As my body relaxed, I wept.

My friend Sarah, who took me to the hospital, held my hand as my body shook gently with quiet tears. Not stifled, just quiet. She was the perfect person to be there, to hear deep things swirling around in my heart and just love me in that way. My two nurses waited a bit and then scurried in, assuring me it's okay to cry, that often whatever emotions are going on inside people really come out when the pre-op meds start going in, and also gave me something to relax me... It was nice that they knew why I was weeping, that I didn't have to explain...

Literally within two minutes of entering pre-op I noticed that the index sized card they had with my health info. on it said "Christian." I don't remember writing that on any forms. Just after that, my nurse asked me how I was doing as she took my weight and explained the urine sample procedures. "Tired and sad," I responded. "How come? Up late?" she questioned. "Well, I haven't slept a lot lately, but my friend just died Wednesday night." Given their field, they asked medical questions about the specifics. I mentioned a few ways God was moving to intentionally love each member of the family, to make sure they were taken care of... The nurse was enthralled and saw it completely as a story of hope and redemption and life. She was quite a character, a thin, tall African American woman who was a little louder, funnier, sillier than your average nurse. As she led me farther back into pre-op, she kept advocating that I, "Tell them the story! Tell them your story!" I was thinking how cool it was that even after Kylee's death people are drawn to her beauty, that she is someone everyone wants to get to know, that even sad stories about her endup ringing strong with themes of joy and life and hope. It was a blessing to be able to share a bit of her with them, so much so that I almost wonder if they'll end up at her memorial service. They asked when and where it was. Both Christians, they assured me they pray for their patients and would be praying for me. Also inspiring some intense laughter related to dentures, motorcycles, spontaneous singing, the name Eileen being a verb (I lean) and more, they were intensely compassionate when I started getting really tired lying on the bed as the tubes were hooked up and the IV inserted, as I started weeping as the medicine entered me... What a beautiful experience.

Leaving the hospital was dramatically different than when I left the ER this month.... I actually remember the experience! I stepped into the wheelchair on my own! My mind is alert and God is teaching me so much, constantly. My nose is almost undiscernably puffy, and back to it's normal straight, uncrooked self. The doctor determined it to be "a success." There are no bandages other than the one covering where the IV was inserted on my arm, just consistent thirst...I am parched. Another parallel to God...we are all thirsty for Him here, corporately seeing His hand all over the place! And what a blessing to be able to go to the celebration of Kylee's life service on Sunday! Considering present state of health, I see no reason why I won't be able to attend and am deeply grateful for your prayers to that end. Though it was highly unlikely that I would not be able to attend, it was still weighing on my mind before surgery. Please pray for rest during these next days, peace, sleep... for all of us here. Grief is horrible, beautiful, and exhausting.

Boden Update

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 10:57:00 +0000

Praise God for your prayers. He has shown himself clearly here... Many blessed me deeply as they came alongside of me in grief. I got to see Matt and the kids for a while at their home. When we arrived, they were in the van in the garage, packed up and ready to go take the kids to visit baby Caleb in the hospital for the first time. I poked my head in. I didn't know what to say, but the first thing that tumbled out of my mouth was, "Can I give you a hug?" His long legs quickly covered the few feet between him and I as I stood just outside the garage, in the front yard. He turned and his eyes saw me. A deep tiredness and sadness about him, they didn't perk up , and he didn't exclaim my name, "Joanne!" in greeting as he usually does. But he connected with me and instantly I was in a bear hug... and perhaps a second later he started weeping, sobbing, his body shaking... maybe another second passed and mine did, too.

I hadn't been sure if it would be okay to stop by, or even where they were (hospital, house he'd stayed at with his parents/extended family that night to be loved on and cry while others babysat the kids and let them get a full nights rest before he told them in the morning that Kylee had passed away). Joe Belzer encouraged me to go, even gave me keys to a truck to get there. He gave me a priceless gift in that. Somehow I needed permission or advise to know if it was okay, whether the best thing to do was to stay away and let this be immediate family time and that's what Matt needed most or to go. Joe said, "You love those kids. I know you want to see them. You're closer than family in some ways. Love would go." I was committed at that point. A friend drove me there as I wasn't sure how I'd react... it's hard to drive while you're weeping. What a gift in that act of service.

Shortly after I arrived, Matt and the kids left to visit baby Caleb in the hospital (along with Matt's sister and Dad I believe). They were excited they got to see him, touch him, kiss him, etc. They showed us baby bottles the nurses gave them to practice with on their dolls. Sarai (2) realized it was fun to take the top part of the bottle off and on. She had a hard time twisting and configuring the different pieces to go together to screw on appropriately. At some point someone put juice in it for her and she was enjoying (somewhat frustrated) at trying to get the juice out of the nipple and into her belly.

I saw in the playroom eating lunch with Lydia (5) and Sarai (2)...just me and them for a bit, a real treat. I asked Sarai if she wanted to read a book from the stack of newer toys on the mini picnic table. I was surprised, but she did, climbing into my lap and letting me cuddle her and love on her. That picture would have made Kylee happy. She loved it when I loved on those kids. It made me think of story time before bed when I babysit. I miss them... I haven't been able to babysit for two or three weeks because I've been sick and consequently haven't seen them as much as normal. Maybe God was protecting me through the prolonged healing process... it would have been so much harder if I'd hung out with them all Monday night and she died Wednesday. It was surreal how every page had a different Bible story on it....and every page Sarai flipped to was a story about weeping, mourning, death, or babies. Job, the wounded man lowered through the roof, Solomon being born, etc. A good seven or eight of them. For a second I hesitated in reading them given the circumstances. We talked about all the tears and how we thought the characters were feeling.

Earlier Lydia, who was coloring a few feet away and popped over occasionally to see the pictures in the book we were reading, had said, "Today is a sad day. Mommy died. She was really good to me." I agreed, holding back tears. When we talked about the tears in the illustrations of the Bible characters, Lydia began a discussion about how sometimes when we're sad we cry and sometimes we don't. Later, her friend Alexia from next door came over, and I overheard Lydia explain, "Today is a sad day. My mommy's brain stopped working. And when brains stop working, people die." Alexia affirmed that this was sad. "I cried this morning," Lydia explained. "I cried yesterday," Alexia responded. Their play continued. A few minutes later Sarai got ahold of a big, fat, jumbo black crayon and was coloring hard over the eyes and on the cheeks of a poster-sized Snow White. "Make sad people. I make sad people," she explained as she scribbled forcefully. A little later... "Today is sad and happy," Lydia reflected. "You're right," I responded, "I'm happy to see you, and sad about your mom." "Yeah," she explained, "I'm sad about my mom dying and happy she's in heaven." The lense of faith and emotional maturity through which these kids can see is incredible... what a legacy from their mother... how beautiful the simplicity and honesty of children...

These were a few of the most profound moments in those hours. I am thankful for your intercession, for the chance to be with them and it feel so right, so peaceful, so at home, so sad, so awful, so hopeful. Especially since I leave for the hospital in a half hour this morning (Friday) for nasal surgery... getting to see the kids before the "don't let anything touch your nose" period was priceless. Being somewhere familiar and loved and hearing people talk alternately about plans to be made and incredible memories of an incredible woman was profound. My soul needed that. I am overwhelmed at how intimately God has made clear his provision for each member of that family. How Matt, though grieving, sad, a slower pace, more of an observer and listener than his usual upbeat, engaging, relational self (at least during the short time I saw him) has a strength about him that can only come from Jesus, from the prayers of his people that are upholding him right now. What a gift to experience that. For Kylee's mom who recently got engaged to an incredible man---that Kylee got to meet him and affirm, "Mom, he's perfect for you!" just weeks ago. For Shane, Kylee's brother, who was married June 2009 (that Kylee got to be a part of that), separated fall 2009 (that Kylee got to speak truth into that), grew tremendously in maturity and humility and is constantly moving towards fuller restoration with his wife (that Kylee got to see that).

A few more prayer requests...

Pray for Keri, Kylee's sister, to come to know Jesus through this.

Pray for our missionaries overseas, who are sad and grieving as they are away from our community here. Praise that for the blessing of getting to talk to Susan last night (missionaries recently deployed to Mexico... you may remember me referring to her in my Ministry Presentation over Christmas as one of the hardest good-byes I've ever said... "It hurts to look at you!" she asserted. "This is the only context in which that is a compliment!" I declared, with tears in my eyes).

I just learned that the celebration of Kylee's life is Sunday at 5:00. Will you pray that I'm rested/recovered enough from surgery to attend, be fully present at it? That would mean the world to me!

Love,

Joanne

Health Update/Kylee

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 10:54:00 +0000

dear prayer partners,

i need you. please interceed. these next weeks will be hard, possibly more so than the last few. pray for our community----we have experienced several deaths lately (mostly extended family of affiliates, as well as two affiliates) and much sickness (mostly minor, but exhausting/lingering illness). we are tired and broken. there is such potential for deeper community to be forged among us... will you hold us up in prayer? i can not tell you how thankful i am for you... a few years older than me, one of my closest friends passed away unexpectedly and shortly after giving childbirth yesterday via emergency c-section (due mid-april). she leaves an incredible husband, twin five year olds, a 2.5 year old, and a healthy newborn. they are mentors to me, the people who have taught me most about god ever. kylee and matt....i'm sure you've heard me mention them. i babysit for them when they go to small group on mondays, have done so weekly since june. i love each member of their family deeply. i found out kylee passed away last night and have a mix of deep crying and pain, almost numbness with no tears, and joy in remembering her silly dancing, incredible parenting skills, deep compassion and selflessness, the incredible way she could speak into people's lives to encourage deeply and specifically/ point out lies we believe in a gentle yet authoritative way because she knew truth/believed that god is real and who his word says he is. i have never met anyone like her, with that mix of mercy/compassion and wisdom/prophecy. they need your intercession.

pray that i will not withdraw from the community here as i grieve and that i will not stuff down the pain. perhaps, too, that will get a lot of crying done today, as i have a minor, outpatient surgery scheduled for tomorrow (friday) to correct a nasal fracture and am "not supposed to touch my nose even to blow it" for a week until the follow up appointment. sounds tricky to do when you're crying. :0) i also have a precautionary/let's just chat appointment with a neurologist on the 26th. these events are follow up to events occuring late march 3/early march 4 when i had food poisening/diarreah/vomiting/passed out twice and fell and hit my head/passed out six more times in the next two hours/had a panic attack (heavy breathing/thought i was shaking a lot)/went to the ER. though i have mostly been sleeping/resting since then, i am slowly returning to work for a few more hours each day....made it up to a half day yesterday. praise for friends who have stuck by me and shown me jesus in profound and life-changing ways, for experiencing his presence and love in so many ways, for finances to cover unexpected costs, for extremely gracious and encouraging coworkers/boss/flexibility with time off. pray for continued physical and emotional healing---god continues to teach me about helplessness, security, submission, humility, fear and trust, etc. there are some HUGE strongholds in my life that he is breaking in these life-changing weeks; the battle is intense.

these verses have stuck out to me since the beginning of the year, and i have them written on a markerboard in my room. every time i look over there they seem to apply. so is the case again:

"for i am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me" --ps. 109:22

"he brought them out of the deepest gloom and broke away their chains."

ps. 107:14 will you bring (me, them, us) to a place of abundance? (ps. 66:12)

you do not abandon the work of your hands (ps 138:8)

love,
joanne

Bike-a-thon Update

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 14:32:00 +0000

P.S. I forgot to tell you that the bike-a-thon was to raise money for missions! We raised $5,000 for Speed the Light (STL). Do you like the initials? They remind me of St. Louis! Anyways, STL is an organization that raises funds to help missionaries purchase transportation (whether it be car, bike, motorized scooter, canoe, whatever is needed in their location) so that they are better able to reach remote areas and share the gospel with those that have not heard it. Pretty cool, huh?!?!

Bike-a-thon

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 14:23:00 +0000

I am so blessed to live in a place where I can be outside all year long! I absolutely love the sun and running and biking! Recently, I participated in a bike-a-thon with my church. I usually bike 18 miles on Saturdays to visit some friends in North Fort Myers, so I wasn't sure if I would be able to make the 50 mile ride with just two and a half or three weeks before actual bike-a-thon day. But I DID IT!!! Actually, I acheived the 50 mile goal the week before in my training, and I was the first girl and fourth person to finish the bike-a-thon! WHOA! Here I am with the bike my friend let me borrow (she's pregnant right now) to train and my friend Helen, one of the two girls who came to cheer me on! My next goal is going to be something with running. I've been practicing up on that the last two or three weeks, and I'm up to 13 miles! WHOA!!! I never thought I'd be able to run that far, but I am finding I can do so much more than I think I am capable of! I am focusing on perseverance and distance rather than speed, so it's actually really relaxing for me!

Those Fancy Computers

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 14:13:00 +0000

Like I mentioned in the previous post, I just recently learned that my computer at work has iphoto/can take pictures. Usually, I'm working hard and don't have time to take advantage of this feature. However, recently I've gotten a chance to hang out with the cutest missionary to Ecuador that you can imagine! Her name is Jazzy and she's full of life and joy! Here are a few pictures of us... It's kind of hard to make a silly face and look at the camera part of the computer instead of the window/screen where you can see your face/what you look like!

One of my favorite moments was when we were playing hangman. I couldn’t figure out the puzzle for the life of me! I thought it was all one word, but, as it turns out, it was three. Jazzy's message for me was: “I love you!” How sweet!

I Got a Haircut!

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 14:08:00 +0000

I'm excited! I don't think I've had my hair this short since first or second grade! I think it turned out great! The members of our board flew down to FL for meetings at the end of January, and the wife of one of the board members offered to cut anyone's hair that wanted a haircut...for free! What a blessing! The picture itself came about when I realized (just recently) that my computer at work can take pictures...so here I am sitting at my desk at work, just after the completion of the haircutting.

Melissa, The Married

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 18:04:00 +0000

I had the privilege of attending Melissa and Henry's wedding last week. Here they are cutting a delicious German chocolate cake! The bride and groom met during missions training in the summer of 2008, and Melissa was my roommate. Since then she's served in Rwanda from October 2008-May 2009. Currently she is working in a rescue mission with women in the inner city of Milwaukee.

One of my favorite parts of the wedding was when Melissa's coworkers sang (in a way that only African American women can!) and seeing Henry and Melissa smile and laugh together during communion, after they'd prayed together. I love to hear about how they affirm each other! Other excitement includes that two of her friends from Rwanda (Ben and Stephanie) were able to attend the wedding and that she got to Skype with a few friends currently in Rwanda the day before the wedding. Should you know much about African culture, it may also amuse you that Henry gave two plastic cows to Ben as a dowry for Melissa. One of her other friends said, "I told you she cost ten cows!" when they Skyped with him. He had just been listening to Melissa's conversation with one of her Rwandan girl friends, but he pipped up when he heard about the cows! Ben assured him that two was just a down payment...

Don't these look good? Apparently Henry has some quality flower arranging skills! It was neat to see how friends came together to lend table decorations, singing talents, kitchens to cook food, etc.

They did something unique (at least new to me!) with sand....they called it "unity sand." There was one color for the Holy Spirit and one for Melissa's life and one for Henry's life. During the ceremony they poured them all together. It is very hard to separate out sand after it's been poured together and thus it was a symbol of the blending of their lives. Also, they plan to take the sand out and re-pour it each year, to show how their lives are becoming more and more entwined with each other and with God.

I thought this was a cool picture.

Here's Melissa pointing out her new married residence. I had the honor of staying at her place and helping out with pre-wedding preparations. I can't tell you how FUN and how GOOD it was to be around her! She is a woman of great joy! She knows me well! And her faith inspires me and gives me hope!

Here she is at the hair place, opening one of many letters Henry wrote to her. She was instructed to open one each hour until the wedding. How sweet!

Here we are! After many fuzzy pictures taken by strangers that did not turn out (it was pretty humerus how frequent the fuzziness was!), we captured a shot of the two of us right before her and Henry headed out. Yeah!!

Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:19:00 +0000

As I was flying home from Wisconsin where I had the privilege of celebrating the marriage of two friends from missions training (Summer 2008 with NMSI), I was struck by the difference in perspective I had from the sky. I was thinking about how when God sees the world, he sees tiny houses the size of erasers on pencils and squares of green vegetation dotting the Earth. Yet, He also sees a couch in a living room where two friends sit together, clinging to each other as they cry over recent happenings in their lives. Or is present in the church when the eyes of the bride and groom first meet one their wedding day. He sees the far away, zoomed out picture as well as the intimate, up close picture.

Another realization of perspective came during Thanksgiving when I started making a list of all the hard things and good things that happened this year. Though I would characterize the year as “hard,” I was struck that there were at least twice as many profoundly good, meaningful experiences on my list. I couldn’t think of any other hard things. Partly, it hard to categorize some things as “hard” and not “good.” Also, there are several really hard things that were hard to remember or, I’m sure, some hard things that I actually did forget. It made me think about how big and intense those things seemed in the moment, yet even within the same year I can no longer remember them. God has this uncanny ability to see things in the long term like that, not denying that an event is powerful and transforming in the moment but also knowing that there is an element of “temporary” to it that I often don’t see as clearly as He does.

Will you pray that I learn to see from His perspective?

October Pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 03:03:00 +0000

Helen and I organized a Pumpkin Fest at NMSI---complete with a caramel apple bar, pumpkin carving, and costumes! Angela was a tractor (see below) and I was a gummy bear. Check out my claws made out of straws! Several of you have asked about the Belzers....I absolutely LOVE having them here!! The older girls helped organize the games and haul 40 pumpkins onto campus from the Pumpkin Patch. We were so grateful for their help! Here's Mariah, dressed as "Smarty Pants."

Below you can see Sarah dressed as Pippi Longstocking! Maggie was a shooting star (dressed as a star with a nerf gun in hand), but unfortunately I don't have a picture of her.

Yeah for caramel apples! My favorite caramel apple topping is Nutter Butter cookies crunched up! Yum! I delight in peanut butter in any form!

Earlier this month, 30 of us carpooled to Atlanta to attend the Catalyst Leadership Conference. The theme was "On Your Mark," and there were several famous speakers from Rob Bell to Louie Giglio, Chuck Swindoll, Andy Stanley, Dave Ramsey, etc. They said a lot of profound things, which may result in another post later on...

A Reason to Smile

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 04:14:00 +0000

Today I was helping Angie out with some of the kids while Pastor Alex is out of town. Mason (2) and I were looking through a book of animals. We came to a page that had several kinds of fish on it, one of which was a clown fish. "What kind of animal are those?" I asked him. "Nemos," he replied. (Finding Nemo...Nemo was a clown fish...get it!?!)

More Than You Can Imagine

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 04:01:00 +0000

In the Beth Moore study of Genesis (called The Patriarchs), Beth discusses Abraham’s faith in reference to his willingness to sacrifice Isaac, the son of the promise, the son through which God was going to make Abraham’s descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky. Abraham figured that if God said Isaac was the child of the promise, and Abraham’s descendants would come through Isaac, then they would. Abraham did not doubt God’s goodness or trustworthiness when asked to sacrifice his only son. Beth pointed out that there had never before been a recorded example of resurrection, but, as cited in Hebrews 11, Abraham assumed that God would raise Isaac from the dead after Abraham killed him; Isaac had to end up alive for the promise to be fulfilled through him. Beth went on to say that often we believe that what is possible with God are things that are probable already. Yikes! God, give us faith to believe that you are capable of things more incredible than we can even imagine! Teach us how to pray with great trust in you! Teach us to assume that you are honest and good all the time!

The Merging of My Worlds

noreply@blogger.com (Joanne) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 01:11:00 +0000

I have mentioned this in previous updates, but my church here in Florida is feeling more like home. As I look back, I remember it taking a while before Rooftop felt like home, too. I looked around at a BUNCH of different churches for the few months after I moved here and ended up going to this church around March. In April, I got involved in the Sunday night college/young adult worship services. In May, I started going to a small group with the college/young adult girls on Wednesdays. In June, I started going to Sunday School with the college/young adults. In July, I started volunteering in the nursery once a month during the Sunday night college/young adult services (some girls from the Lifeline Pregnancy Center go, along with other adults who help out and have kids). Slowly, but surely, I am getting involved. Though I have hung out with some of the girls from the House (That's what the college/young adult group is called) one-on-one before, and Sarah from NMSI went with me to the House once, it is only now, during August, that my two worlds (NMSI/work and church) are beginning to merge a little.

Two of my new housemates went to the House! They have also gone running or biking with me. I love that they want to be involved in activities I love! That is so NICE!. Furthermore, I invited some girls from the House over to NMSIland (my house) for the first time this very week. I know that the two worlds don't have to merge completely, but I think it is an indicator of increased comfortability in each world that this is happening occasionally. How fun!

As far as other world merging opportunities, I am planning to go back to St. Louis to do some more support-raising and vist family, etc. over the holidays (probably during December). I'll keep you posted as I decide when exactly that will be. I would love to meet up with you during that time!!!